Friday, April 11, 2008


I've been hearing a commercial on the radio recently for a heartburn drug we will call "heartburnbegone". The ad features a masculine lady,(I say masculine based on the sound of her voice, not a wise choice in my opinion), lamenting how difficult her life is because of her HEARTBURN. REALLY??? heartburn, that seems like a good deal compared to some of the other options out there. Genital herpes for example. A comparison of ads for drugs treating these ailments is telling.
Getting back to our masculine lady. She laments that heartburn makes it difficult to date because when you go out to eat she can't have "normal" food because she gets heartburn, (isn't this where the multitude of heartburn drugs could be of assistance?), she has to settle for stuff like salad. Gee...... a woman eating a a meal......nope, can't even imagine it, and if her date finds out she has heartburn.....well I think I speak for all guys when I say, I don't care how hot you are, you get heartburn your out, you filthy, lying tramp. In addition the ad is based on this whining being a stand up routine and the crowd cruelly laughs after each lament about how heartburn impedes her life, leading us to be outraged at this appalling condition. At the end of the ad the announcer proclaims in a serious tone "heartburn isn't funny" leaving unsaid the implied notion that heartburn will destroy you. Your left feeling like this ladies whole world has come crashing down because of heartburn, THANK GOODNESS for HEARTBURNBEGONE, now the horror is over. Except that I don't think this ladies dating problems are a result of heartburn,(please refer to previous masculine voice comment), my guess based on the sound of her voice, she is built something like a mack truck, (a powerful piece of equipment but not something you want to unexpectedly find yourself facing head on), chain smokes, has a mullet and 23 cats.
Now contrast the genital herpes ad. These people seem to have the ideal life, they are always canoeing, mountain biking, kayaking, hiking or participating in any number of outdoor activities, and they always have an attractive partner. I would like to get myself some herpes as all these things appeal to me, especially some hot chick who doesn't seem concerned that I have an STD or where I picked it up, we just have to be careful during outbreaks...wink..wink! I imagine my search for such a girl going something like this, we are at fancy restaurant, everything has gone great, except my date only ordered a salad. When she says, "there's something you should know". AAHHHHH CRAP I say to myself, here it comes.......she has heartburn. "I have genital herpes" she says. Really!!! I exclaim, I love mountain biking and I've been thinking about getting a kayak. Geez you really scared me I thought you were going to say you had heartburn. Heartburn! she hisses, what kind of girl do you think I am. Sheepishly I point out her salad as a main course. I'm just trying to lose a few pounds, she explains. Speaking of weight loss look up genital herpes outbreak in a medical textbook, you will lose your appetite for 3 days thus promoting weight loss. She replies, I don't need a textbook, with a knowing look. Noticing my concerned look she says don't worry we just need to "be careful" which I interpret as "seeing other people". Suddenly the dream isn't looking so good. Oh well that's all it was anyway...A dream. Let us be grateful for these pharmaceutical ads, for without them we would never know the true horror of heartburn, or the unspeakable joys of STD's.