Thursday, December 11, 2008

FLASH POLL: Cake or Pie

Cast your votes now!

My sources inform me cheesecake falls into the tart family and thus the pie family.
Ice cream is a separate entity being neither cake nor pie.
This poll is cake or pie, stay focused people

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Anchors Away

I recently finished a book that had on its' cover a small symbol that said "get caught reading at sea". I thought perhaps there would be some prize involved, so I quickly donned my finest sailor uniform and made for the shipyard. While en route I wondered who would catch me? Are there reading police on the high seas now. I imagine myself on deck, reading, when suddenly a bullhorn shatters the ocean breeze, you in the sailor suit, you are surrounded, put down the book and slowly step away. Excitedly I jump up screaming, what have I won! The bull horn responds, a trip to the brigg and a public defender. At this point I'm thinking, this isn't a very good contest it's not even Ed McMahon behind the bull horn, and all the vacationers around me are old, wrinkly, scantly clad and should be attired in nothing less than full winter gear, I don't care how hot it is. I'm suddenly tackled by several very large men, who after some time and several tasings are able to restrain me. I am then dragged to an interrogation room to explain my interest in a "vampire" named "Edward". "Its not my book", I exclaim, "someone set me up". "Really", the man behind the lamp croons in a french accent while smoking a cheap cigarette, "Then you won't mind if I tell you how it ends", "YOU BASTARD!! you wouldn't dare". I interrupt my own thought in mid stride and decide I better read the fine print on this whole "get caught reading at sea" notion half expecting it to read "get caught reading at sea"......"and do hard time". Turns out it was some cruise line promotion, and an ineffective one I might add as the promoted cruise was scheduled for 2004. Hope it was fun. Anyway It got me to thinking about how stupid people are...(I could just leave it there, but for purposes of this post we will narrow it down a bit)...with their vacations. There seems to be this drive in some portion of the population to do nothing, once they have achieved this goal they quickly grow restless and want something to do. Let's examine this drive to do nothing, and how it applies to vacations, which countless numbers do on a regular basis.
"I need a vacation!" one exclaims. I just want to go on a cruise or get a room with an ocean view and sit by the pool all day and do nothing. This is where they lose me. If you don't want to do anything try sitting on your couch all weekend vegetating, it doesn't cost you a thing. Instead one books an Oceanside hotel room in some exotic country for a few days and in their time there sees little more than their room, the pool, the inside of a book and the back of their eyelids, all at the expense of thousands of dollars. I am a big reader, I'm always reading a book, but when I'm on vacation reading takes a back seat to whatever adventures the vacation offers that are not usually available to me,(legal adventures people, lets keep it legal). Have we forgotten how to have a good time(legally). I am often asked the question "what do you do with your days off? asked by a perplexed inquirer who can't seem to fathom what they would do with themselves if they had a few days off. I now answer this question with the following, "lots of things" it depends on the season, the day and so on, after smoking the mushrooms that grow in my backyard entire days seem to vanish, but I rarely find myself bored. I have become convinced that we are loosing our innovation, our sense of adventure, does anybody have a hobby anymore? If you have children I withdraw the question. At the end of this vacation our example usually comes home tired of their vacation and just wants to get back home to their routine. The routine is safe, soft, snugly and from what I'm hearing, boring. If I may be so bold, if you want to "do nothing" throw up a hammock in the back yard and have at it. But if you going "on vacation" come back with stories, pictures, scars and foreign currency, but lets leave the diseases where we found them, unless they are temporary and particularly funny. when you next have a few days off I expect something better than "I'm bored", dig deep and report back to this blog thus inspiring others to make the most of their days.
Alas, this probably won't inspire anybody, but it did keep you busy for a few minutes.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Right to Bear Arms

A sampling of our governments lack of veneration for the Constitution. Enjoy!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Fire up the grill!

I know, I know, two posts in one week? Sheer madness. I should be in bed, it's way past my bed time, but it's all Connie G's fault. She's got me all inspired with her smoothie recipe blog, so I thought I would post one of my own. Folks often ask me if I cook. Occasionally is my response. With summer having arrived I have fired up the grill and composed a glorious concoction, sure to satisfy.
I started with two wrangler hot dogs, cooked on the grill while I adjusted the sprinklers, (adjusting sprinklers optional), I then dressed two buns with mayo and mustard and placed the piping hot wranglers on the aforementioned bun, topping each with two tomato slices (salmonella free, of course), and then topped all this with spicy chili, (also heated while adjusting sprinklers). As you might imagine it required a knife and fork to eat. I also had an assortment of fruit on the side making a nice round meal. I don't have a fancy picture to post but I'm working on it. I hope this provides some fabulous summer feasting.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Out with the old, in with the new.

It was time for a change. All the backgrounds available seemed too girly, but I stumbled upon this masculine cowboy design. I like it a lot. Enjoy my new look!

Friday, April 11, 2008


I've been hearing a commercial on the radio recently for a heartburn drug we will call "heartburnbegone". The ad features a masculine lady,(I say masculine based on the sound of her voice, not a wise choice in my opinion), lamenting how difficult her life is because of her HEARTBURN. REALLY??? heartburn, that seems like a good deal compared to some of the other options out there. Genital herpes for example. A comparison of ads for drugs treating these ailments is telling.
Getting back to our masculine lady. She laments that heartburn makes it difficult to date because when you go out to eat she can't have "normal" food because she gets heartburn, (isn't this where the multitude of heartburn drugs could be of assistance?), she has to settle for stuff like salad. Gee...... a woman eating a a meal......nope, can't even imagine it, and if her date finds out she has heartburn.....well I think I speak for all guys when I say, I don't care how hot you are, you get heartburn your out, you filthy, lying tramp. In addition the ad is based on this whining being a stand up routine and the crowd cruelly laughs after each lament about how heartburn impedes her life, leading us to be outraged at this appalling condition. At the end of the ad the announcer proclaims in a serious tone "heartburn isn't funny" leaving unsaid the implied notion that heartburn will destroy you. Your left feeling like this ladies whole world has come crashing down because of heartburn, THANK GOODNESS for HEARTBURNBEGONE, now the horror is over. Except that I don't think this ladies dating problems are a result of heartburn,(please refer to previous masculine voice comment), my guess based on the sound of her voice, she is built something like a mack truck, (a powerful piece of equipment but not something you want to unexpectedly find yourself facing head on), chain smokes, has a mullet and 23 cats.
Now contrast the genital herpes ad. These people seem to have the ideal life, they are always canoeing, mountain biking, kayaking, hiking or participating in any number of outdoor activities, and they always have an attractive partner. I would like to get myself some herpes as all these things appeal to me, especially some hot chick who doesn't seem concerned that I have an STD or where I picked it up, we just have to be careful during outbreaks...wink..wink! I imagine my search for such a girl going something like this, we are at fancy restaurant, everything has gone great, except my date only ordered a salad. When she says, "there's something you should know". AAHHHHH CRAP I say to myself, here it comes.......she has heartburn. "I have genital herpes" she says. Really!!! I exclaim, I love mountain biking and I've been thinking about getting a kayak. Geez you really scared me I thought you were going to say you had heartburn. Heartburn! she hisses, what kind of girl do you think I am. Sheepishly I point out her salad as a main course. I'm just trying to lose a few pounds, she explains. Speaking of weight loss look up genital herpes outbreak in a medical textbook, you will lose your appetite for 3 days thus promoting weight loss. She replies, I don't need a textbook, with a knowing look. Noticing my concerned look she says don't worry we just need to "be careful" which I interpret as "seeing other people". Suddenly the dream isn't looking so good. Oh well that's all it was anyway...A dream. Let us be grateful for these pharmaceutical ads, for without them we would never know the true horror of heartburn, or the unspeakable joys of STD's.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Riddle me this!

Ladies bear with me. The following topic really has me stumped, despite its somewhat awkward nature. Imagine a men's restroom. Imagine some chap walking into this restroom to pee, before him a row of unoccupied urinals beckoning to him to fulfill the measure of their creation. Yet to your astonishment this chap promptly bypasses the urinals and proceeds to the nearest open stall where you hear him lift the seat and proceed to void. Puzzled you stand in stupefied silence thinking, "did I miss something"? then "why does a grown man bypass the urinals for a stall"?
I don't think I need to mention what a horrific scourge a stall can be, at times it makes anthrax exposure seem like an appealing alternative. Now imagine seeing this scene repeated in various restrooms over a long period of time. "Did I miss a memo"? you wonder. Mystified you begin working on theories, but nothing adds up. "Do they like reading the graffiti on the stall can't be", " maybe stage fright............but its not shoulder to shoulder traffic, they have at least a one urinal cushion on each side, often the whole row"!, "perhaps a phobia of urinal your just being ridiculous"! As you stand in the middle of the restroom staring blankly into space considering conspiracy theories you fail to notice the aforementioned chap leave the stall and give you a quizative look before he leaves, (or if your really lucky washes his hands). What's more your will never know of his mental query as he passes by you, " what's with all the spaced out dudes standing in men's rooms....I just hope he doesn't notice how big my butt is". As the door shuts you snap out of you stupor and realize the subject has left the room, you then wonder "did he flush"? "I don't remember hearing a flush........then again I don't recall anything since that dude walked into the room".
Really though, being the sick, twisted, freak I am, I'm puzzled.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Social skilz

We use the term "Spanish rice" loosely. Caucasian rice is the more appropriate term, and whitey doesn't know jack about rice. Enough of that.
Recent studies suggest that folks are loosing social skills due to our increasing interaction with technology rather than people. To those I interact with, be warned, this blog will serve as my excuse for a decline in my already lethargic social skills. To an increasingly oversensitive population, remember don't take me, or yourself, to seriously.
For fun try and identify the "old school" word used in each posting.
P.S. I had life cereal for dinner....... help me.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Thought #1

The spanish rice down in Cafe west is no good, really....but the tacos make the meal worth buying.