C-Train's Deep Thoughts

FLASH POLL: Cake or Pie

2008-12-11T20:19:00.001-08:00

Cast your votes now!

My sources inform me cheesecake falls into the tart family and thus the pie family.
Ice cream is a separate entity being neither cake nor pie.
This poll is cake or pie, stay focused people

What did he say?

2008-12-02T14:13:00.000-08:00

U.S.S.A

2008-11-04T21:09:00.000-08:00

COMRADES!!!!!!!!
Welcome to the United Socialist States of America.
Where what's mine is yours, and what's yours' used to be mine!
Time to get rid of that dusty, outdated document and live on a healthy diet of HOPE! and CHANGE! A Karl Marxy kind of change.
Where you will have the opportunity to make a government mandated patriotic charitible contribution to a cause the government feels is important.
OHHHH blessed day! the anointed one has come, now all of our problems are solved.
On a totally seperate topic did I mention I have started drinking?

Anchors Away

2008-10-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

I recently finished a book that had on its' cover a small symbol that said "get caught reading at sea". I thought perhaps there would be some prize involved, so I quickly donned my finest sailor uniform and made for the shipyard. While en route I wondered who would catch me? Are there reading police on the high seas now. I imagine myself on deck, reading, when suddenly a bullhorn shatters the ocean breeze, you in the sailor suit, you are surrounded, put down the book and slowly step away. Excitedly I jump up screaming, what have I won! The bull horn responds, a trip to the brigg and a public defender. At this point I'm thinking, this isn't a very good contest it's not even Ed McMahon behind the bull horn, and all the vacationers around me are old, wrinkly, scantly clad and should be attired in nothing less than full winter gear, I don't care how hot it is. I'm suddenly tackled by several very large men, who after some time and several tasings are able to restrain me. I am then dragged to an interrogation room to explain my interest in a "vampire" named "Edward". "Its not my book", I exclaim, "someone set me up". "Really", the man behind the lamp croons in a french accent while smoking a cheap cigarette, "Then you won't mind if I tell you how it ends", "YOU BASTARD!! you wouldn't dare". I interrupt my own thought in mid stride and decide I better read the fine print on this whole "get caught reading at sea" notion half expecting it to read "get caught reading at sea"......"and do hard time". Turns out it was some cruise line promotion, and an ineffective one I might add as the promoted cruise was scheduled for 2004. Hope it was fun. Anyway It got me to thinking about how stupid people are...(I could just leave it there, but for purposes of this post we will narrow it down a bit)...with their vacations. There seems to be this drive in some portion of the population to do nothing, once they have achieved this goal they quickly grow restless and want something to do. Let's examine this drive to do nothing, and how it applies to vacations, which countless numbers do on a regular basis.
"I need a vacation!" one exclaims. I just want to go on a cruise or get a room with an ocean view and sit by the pool all day and do nothing. This is where they lose me. If you don't want to do anything try sitting on your couch all weekend vegetating, it doesn't cost you a thing. Instead one books an Oceanside hotel room in some exotic country for a few days and in their time there sees little more than their room, the pool, the inside of a book and the back of their eyelids, all at the expense of thousands of dollars. I am a big reader, I'm always reading a book, but when I'm on vacation reading takes a back seat to whatever adventures the vacation offers that are not usually available to me,(legal adventures people, lets keep it legal). Have we forgotten how to have a good time(legally). I am often asked the question "what do you do with your days off? asked by a perplexed inquirer who can't seem to fathom what they would do with themselves if they had a few days off. I now answer this question with the following, "lots of things" it depends on the season, the day and so on, after smoking the mushrooms that grow in my backyard entire days seem to vanish, but I rarely find myself bored. I have become convinced that we are loosing our innovation, our sense of adventure, does anybody have a hobby anymore? If you have children I withdraw the question. At the end of this vacation our example usually comes home tired of their vacation and just wants to get back home to their routine. The routine is safe, soft, snugly and from what I'm hearing, boring. If I may be so bold, if you want to "do nothing" throw up a hammock in the back yard and have at it. But if you going "on vacation" come back with stories, pictures, scars and foreign currency, but lets leave the diseases where we found them, unless they are temporary and particularly funny. when you next have a few days off I expect something better than "I'm bored", dig deep and report back to this blog thus inspiring others to make the most of their days.
Alas, this probably won't inspire anybody, but it did keep you busy for a few minutes.

Right to Bear Arms

2008-07-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

A sampling of our governments lack of veneration for the Constitution. Enjoy!

Fire up the grill!

2008-06-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, two posts in one week? Sheer madness. I should be in bed, it's way past my bed time, but it's all Connie G's fault. She's got me all inspired with her smoothie recipe blog, so I thought I would post one of my own. Folks often ask me if I cook. Occasionally is my response. With summer having arrived I have fired up the grill and composed a glorious concoction, sure to satisfy.
I started with two wrangler hot dogs, cooked on the grill while I adjusted the sprinklers, (adjusting sprinklers optional), I then dressed two buns with mayo and mustard and placed the piping hot wranglers on the aforementioned bun, topping each with two tomato slices (salmonella free, of course), and then topped all this with spicy chili, (also heated while adjusting sprinklers). As you might imagine it required a knife and fork to eat. I also had an assortment of fruit on the side making a nice round meal. I don't have a fancy picture to post but I'm working on it. I hope this provides some fabulous summer feasting.

Soapbox

2008-06-17T18:50:00.000-07:00

Wow that last post got a lot of attention. Thanks to Connie G for the new background and the post. It seems Ali knows me well, However I am a bit of a closet cowboy, please no brokeback jokes, and p.s its Aloha Friday, hop on board.
Comrades!, recently those glimmering beacons of incompetence we call congress, passed, and the President signed, an energy bill that among other things, bans the use of incandescent light bulbs (ILB) over the coming years. All in the name of saving the planet from that evil (and fictitious) warlord, GLOBAL WARMING (the greatest hoax ever). So what? you say. Ponder this small point, your government just told you which light bulbs you can and can't use in your own home. Did somebody say socialism? Anyway in a completely unrelated story NBC has been hyping there green week promotions in an effort to, you guessed it, save the planet from that evil (and fictitious) warlord GLOBAL WARMING (the greatest hoax ever). Thank goodness for NBC, I also saw an ad for fluorescent light bulbs (FLB), you know the kind we'll be forced to use when they take away the ILB'S. In another completely unrelated story general electric, the company that makes FLB's, also owns NBC, huh that's neat.
Getting back to our Marxist light bulb ban, the defenders of this egregious violation of liberty will sing you a sweet little tune that goes something like this. Fluorescent light bulbs are 70% more efficient that incandescent light bulbs thus reducing the amount of coal we burn to create electricity and fewer polar bears that burst into flame every time you turn on your lights. sounds great! whats the down side, oh um these FLB's contain small amounts of mercury. Excuse me did you say mercury,isn't that toxic? yea but its a small amount and only dangerous if the bulb breaks. Whewwwww! that's a relief I don't think I know anyone who has had a light bulb break in there house. This fearless advocate of the nanny state will then say something like, mercury is found in coal and when we burn coal its released into the air so by using FLB's we burn less coal and the total amount of mercury placed in the environment is less than burning coal for ILB's. That's great except that now I have the actual toxic element in my home, yea but it's a very small amount. Perhaps by now your asking what happens when (not if) the FLB breaks in my house, well that's simple. Open the windows, sweep, don't vacuum, and place the pieces in a sealable plastic bag and dispose of at a household hazardous waste collection site. don't place it in your garbage, oh yea if it breaks on carpet you might want to cut out that piece of carpet. Wow that seems like allot of work for a stupid light bulb, say what happens if I inhale mercury? Neurological damage including tremors and memory loss, liver ,kidney and heart damage,........ but there's only a small amount in the bulbs.
Just peachy, what nobody seems to have addressed is how this mercury from coal affects Joe citizen. So we put less mercury into the air by burning less coal with FLB's. What is that mercury currently responsible for. Do we have data that tells us this mercury if causes illness or is it such a small amount that it's not really doing much anyway, except acting as an excuse to implement socialism.
The bottom line is capitalism works, you don't like ILB's, fine invent a better product. FLB's have been on the market but there not very popular because there much more expensive, they take forever to turn on, (have you ever used one of these things, set your alarm early to flip the light switch and by the time you get up the light will be on), and the light they emit make you feel like your in a warehouse, if you happen to work in a warehouse then maybe this isn't such a big deal. Oh yea the also contain MERCURY! ........but only in small amounts. Here's a pearl. The EPA says that public can contribute to reducing environmental mercury exposure by buying mercury FREE products thereby reducing demand. GET OUT!! As for me I will be buying truckloads of ILB's and storing them in my hidden underground lair, taking my chances with melting icecaps, rising oceans and spontaneous combustion so that when I flip my light switch the light turns on immediately and when it burns out I throw it in my garbage without the risk of any further brain damage, the amount I have is sufficient. If the bulb breaks I shall laugh in the face of the sharp shards. The good news is a congressman from the peoples' republic of California is introducing a bill to overturn this ban.
Final thought: How much coal do you think GE/NBC burns to light up their sets and broadcast around the world everyday, I'm going to guess more than the light bulbs in my house.
This post is provided as a public service reminding you every time you exhale you release toxic carbon into the atmosphere, killing polar bears, melting ice caps and decaying your own soul, so breath less you hatemonger.

Out with the old, in with the new.

2008-06-15T07:48:00.000-07:00

It was time for a change. All the backgrounds available seemed too girly, but I stumbled upon this masculine cowboy design. I like it a lot. Enjoy my new look!

REALLY?

2008-04-11T19:14:00.001-07:00

I've been hearing a commercial on the radio recently for a heartburn drug we will call "heartburnbegone". The ad features a masculine lady,(I say masculine based on the sound of her voice, not a wise choice in my opinion), lamenting how difficult her life is because of her HEARTBURN. REALLY??? heartburn, that seems like a good deal compared to some of the other options out there. Genital herpes for example. A comparison of ads for drugs treating these ailments is telling.
Getting back to our masculine lady. She laments that heartburn makes it difficult to date because when you go out to eat she can't have "normal" food because she gets heartburn, (isn't this where the multitude of heartburn drugs could be of assistance?), she has to settle for stuff like salad. Gee...... a woman eating a salad.....as a meal......nope, can't even imagine it, and if her date finds out she has heartburn.....well I think I speak for all guys when I say, I don't care how hot you are, you get heartburn your out, you filthy, lying tramp. In addition the ad is based on this whining being a stand up routine and the crowd cruelly laughs after each lament about how heartburn impedes her life, leading us to be outraged at this appalling condition. At the end of the ad the announcer proclaims in a serious tone "heartburn isn't funny" leaving unsaid the implied notion that heartburn will destroy you. Your left feeling like this ladies whole world has come crashing down because of heartburn, THANK GOODNESS for HEARTBURNBEGONE, now the horror is over. Except that I don't think this ladies dating problems are a result of heartburn,(please refer to previous masculine voice comment), my guess based on the sound of her voice, she is built something like a mack truck, (a powerful piece of equipment but not something you want to unexpectedly find yourself facing head on), chain smokes, has a mullet and 23 cats.
Now contrast the genital herpes ad. These people seem to have the ideal life, they are always canoeing, mountain biking, kayaking, hiking or participating in any number of outdoor activities, and they always have an attractive partner. I would like to get myself some herpes as all these things appeal to me, especially some hot chick who doesn't seem concerned that I have an STD or where I picked it up, we just have to be careful during outbreaks...wink..wink! I imagine my search for such a girl going something like this, we are at fancy restaurant, everything has gone great, except my date only ordered a salad. When she says, "there's something you should know". AAHHHHH CRAP I say to myself, here it comes.......she has heartburn. "I have genital herpes" she says. Really!!! I exclaim, I love mountain biking and I've been thinking about getting a kayak. Geez you really scared me I thought you were going to say you had heartburn. Heartburn! she hisses, what kind of girl do you think I am. Sheepishly I point out her salad as a main course. I'm just trying to lose a few pounds, she explains. Speaking of weight loss look up genital herpes outbreak in a medical textbook, you will lose your appetite for 3 days thus promoting weight loss. She replies, I don't need a textbook, with a knowing look. Noticing my concerned look she says don't worry we just need to "be careful" which I interpret as "seeing other people". Suddenly the dream isn't looking so good. Oh well that's all it was anyway...A dream. Let us be grateful for these pharmaceutical ads, for without them we would never know the true horror of heartburn, or the unspeakable joys of STD's.

My first "Baywatch"

2008-03-12T14:03:00.000-07:00

For many years I've heard talk of a show centered around bikini clad babes scurrying about sandy beaches. Recently I actually saw an episode of this lauded show. It began with an introduction showing the various characters running on the beach in slo-mo, or piloting the "Baywatch" boat at high speeds, also in slo-mo, and lasted so long I thought time was actually in slo-mo. All of this happening to the low budget sounds of the "Baywatch" theme song, more on this later. Following the seemingly eternal intro I expected the program to actually begin and it did, kind of. What followed was numerous (and I do mean numerous) shots of a character practicing various high dives......you guessed it, in slo-mo, to the soothing sounds of enya. this went on long enough for me to question if there was in fact any dialogue in the show at all, (there is, but it probably wouldn't have made a difference in the shows ratings). Finally the music stops and dialogue begins, but I'm distracted by the Pepsi can in the characters hand, I haven't seen that Pepsi can in at least 15 year, when was this series filmed? My guess late 80's early 90's, I didn't think it was that long ago, but I've never seen the show so what do I know?
The next scene has the cast gathered for an emergency on a road above a river they will be diving in, as they prepare for their task one character puts on his flippers with a serious look..........in the middle of the road..............up the hill from the river...............I'm no diving expert, but I have walked in dive flippers.....its not easy, maybe waiting until your at the waters edge is a good idea, unless your planning on rolling down the brush and sand covered hill to the river, I'm just sayin'. When they actual get in the water to search for a body in the middle of the night their light source is....of course....those green glow sticks kids use on Halloween. Maybe it's just me but it gets pretty dark at night on land, that light is drastically reduced underwater, are glow sticks providing enough light to see anything other than say.......the glowstick! Somehow I'm thinkin' the search and rescue guys are going to have equipment that's a little more high tech than glow sticks,but again I'm no diving expert.
later in the show 2 characters go, what they call "kamikaze biking", o.k. you have my attention, sounds exciting, turns out they were referring to what folks where I'm from call "mountain biking" minus the mountain, since it was mostly level coastline with a few small hills thrown in. At this point I'm feeling a little "kamikaze" myself.
Meanwhile the Hoff's character is torn between a promising career in architecture to make his pappy happy, or the love of his life "baywatching"......Yaaaaaaawwwwnnnnnnnnnn..........where was I, oh yes the good news is there was no appearance by P.A. in this episode (initials used to protect anonymity) maybe she was getting her shots, or being diagnosed with a previously unknown disease.
All in all it's about what I expected, sure the bikini clad babes are easy on the eye, but the weak plots. poor acting and excessive use of slo-mo effectively counteract this temptation leaving me confident that this won't become a habit. OH by the way that theme song mentioned earlier, vocals performed by the Hoff, so he's got that goin' for him as well.

Lost in Thought

2008-02-13T18:59:00.000-08:00

Lets take journey into the mind of the minivan driver in front of me. We join our driver in thought. Lets see.......where am I? More importantly where am I going? Did he say first right after the bridge or second left after the bridge? Here's the first right I had better stop and think about this. As our driver is having this thought he slowly presses his brake pedal, it doesn't take long to bring the aforementioned vehicle to a stop because it was only moving an environmentally friendly 18 miles per hour to start with. Oh Yeah the vehicle in question is still in the middle of the one lane street when it stops causing the author to gape in wonder. Lets rejoin our befudddled driver. Geez it sure is nice today, and its nice to just have some me time with no one else around, it's like I'm the only person on earth.......I don't think it was the first right, I'll just keep driving. WHY AREN'T YOU DRIVING!!!! yells the irritated motorist immediatly behind our traffic impaired driver. Then like the sounds of angels from heaven the mobile roadblock begins to move ever so slowly. Unfortunatley for the citizens of our fair city there is a traffic light dead ahead, and the light, you guessed it, is green! We rejoin our shining example of drivers education who is either unaware of the light or doesn't know what it means, for as he approachs the intersection like a reoccuring nightmare, tail lights appear again. HMMMM I can go straight.....or left.......or right. Never does the option of.....or get off the road until I figure out where the @#$% I'm going.... occur to our detail oriented subject. At some point our hero initiates a cell phone call further dulling his already door knob like senses. Hey it's me, I having a hard time finding your place........uh hu........yea.........ok............., Mean while like the sirens song the green light beckons for traffic to flow through the intersection like an untamed stream, ..........ohhhh I know where you at, I'll be there in a minute the light just turned red. AAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! By now our sloth like creature has become the object of intense study. as traffic once again begins to move its not long before brake lights appear once again, I deduce a turn is forth coming, but which way? The vehicle fakes right then goes left depriving the turn lane of that for which is was created. The front end of our obstacle in the turn lane at an odd angle the back end sticking into my lane of traffic, while traffic moving the oposite direction blocks the completion of this most uncordinated manuever. mercifly there is room on the right to get by and as I do I wonder "how did you live this long". While the oblivious trial of my patience gets a glance of me as I drive by and thinks, man that dudes having a serious face cramp! He probably shouldn't be driving.

Riddle me this!

2008-01-25T18:07:00.000-08:00

Ladies bear with me. The following topic really has me stumped, despite its somewhat awkward nature. Imagine a men's restroom. Imagine some chap walking into this restroom to pee, before him a row of unoccupied urinals beckoning to him to fulfill the measure of their creation. Yet to your astonishment this chap promptly bypasses the urinals and proceeds to the nearest open stall where you hear him lift the seat and proceed to void. Puzzled you stand in stupefied silence thinking, "did I miss something"? then "why does a grown man bypass the urinals for a stall"?
I don't think I need to mention what a horrific scourge a stall can be, at times it makes anthrax exposure seem like an appealing alternative. Now imagine seeing this scene repeated in various restrooms over a long period of time. "Did I miss a memo"? you wonder. Mystified you begin working on theories, but nothing adds up. "Do they like reading the graffiti on the stall walls................it can't be", " maybe stage fright............but its not shoulder to shoulder traffic, they have at least a one urinal cushion on each side, often the whole row"!, "perhaps a phobia of urinal cakes..........now your just being ridiculous"! As you stand in the middle of the restroom staring blankly into space considering conspiracy theories you fail to notice the aforementioned chap leave the stall and give you a quizative look before he leaves, (or if your really lucky washes his hands). What's more your will never know of his mental query as he passes by you, " what's with all the spaced out dudes standing in men's rooms....I just hope he doesn't notice how big my butt is". As the door shuts you snap out of you stupor and realize the subject has left the room, you then wonder "did he flush"? "I don't remember hearing a flush........then again I don't recall anything since that dude walked into the room".
Really though, being the sick, twisted, freak I am, I'm puzzled.

Social skilz

2008-01-11T19:25:00.000-08:00

We use the term "Spanish rice" loosely. Caucasian rice is the more appropriate term, and whitey doesn't know jack about rice. Enough of that.
Recent studies suggest that folks are loosing social skills due to our increasing interaction with technology rather than people. To those I interact with, be warned, this blog will serve as my excuse for a decline in my already lethargic social skills. To an increasingly oversensitive population, remember don't take me, or yourself, to seriously.
For fun try and identify the "old school" word used in each posting.
P.S. I had life cereal for dinner....... help me.

Thought #1

2008-01-10T14:27:00.000-08:00

The spanish rice down in Cafe west is no good, really....but the tacos make the meal worth buying.